Dear Diary,

What's new: I moved to Austin, Texas last August with my boyf., (D) and I started working at UT so I can go to grad school here for free.

My dad died in February, and I still don't know what that means. He and my mom moved from Massachusetts to Maine and the day after the furniture was moved into the house they built, my dad woke up and promptly died of either a heart attack or a stroke in a neighbor's home, where my dad had been staying during the week for the last months of construction, and where he decided to stay that last night so that my mom wouldn't have to fish for sheets in the dark and make the bed.

He sprained his back two days before, when he picked up a couple of buckets of drywall at Home Depot by himself. He was overwhelmed by pain then, and some of his contractor's laborers brought him to the emergency room. This was Thursday. I talked to him then, for a second. I talked to him again the next day when he was at the neighbors, laid up in bed, complaining that he was "weak as a kitten." Sunday morning, he died. I still don't know what that means.

So, I flew up to Maine and then D flew up and in all the mess, he was so kind and good, holding my hand and telling me he loves me, and listening and touching my hair quietly etc. I would have died without him there.

And now, it's been a couple of months, and I've been dying too and then not dying and disappearing and coming back, feeling awful and then good and D appears to have had it but what can I do?

Sigh...

And so things are feeling much less fun than they had been. Oh before we just rode bikes and played soccer and ate dinner with friends and it all seemed happy and good and fine (some problems, you know, like there always are, but really glad I think at the end of the day that we were folded up with one another. Now, things are not so good. We are both stressed out. I think D needs some positive recognition for his patience, but I just don't know how to do it. A present? A date? A special dinner? The wheels are a-turning.

In the mean time, we had a talk last night. Oh, he has been getting so mad and I have been getting mad, too. About being late, about cleaning, about time. But...a lot of the time, I get angry, and it's because I'm slow to change. I need some time to adapt. When D is late and we are supposed to be at a dinner party and I have promised to be there early with folding chairs and extra forks I am mad. And when he comes in and wants to kiss me on the cheek and I am cool, I am miffed. And by the time we're in the car, and we're on our way, and I put my hand on his knee it is over and fine and there is no problem. You see? It just takes ten minutes.

But other times, D gets mad at me when he senses that I am miffed. Or, he gets mad in the car on his way to where he is sure he will find me with the tops of my ears flushed, scrubbing the counter and furious-eyed. And if I disappoint and flash a smile, he will still be mad.

How do you untangle this mess? Oh, if only he had insurance and the two of us more time, I'd say let's go to therapy. But, honestly, I think this is something we can figure out together. We're just going to need some patience with one another and some extra loving. And maybe a lot of extra sex to obliterate any bad feelings or insecurities about what's going on beween us.

So, last night, we were talking and D was like, "I just don't know why I shouldn't be able to say what's on my mind because you're going to get upset about it." and I said, "You can look at it that way, I guess. But you can also think about it like...like just being nice." and I think that may have sunk in.

There's more stories, but not for today. Amy came for a visit a couple of weeks ago and it was the best, most restorative time I have had this year. Things like this: happier things. I'll talk about them next time.

Love,
Stacia

wait - and then